I found peace in the direst of situations, because I know my purpose here and I know what I wish for every single day. It begins with my grandma’s smile and it strengthens with every hurdle she endures emotionally and physically. Never give up, never forget to listen with your heart, and never let hard pessimism take away from your love. You are here to make it easier for someone else. (at Bauhinia Garden 寶盈花園)
Day 1: so thankful to my past self to have made this decision. So glad that I am here. After a 36 hour blur of a day, my peace is being right here where I need to be, with the people who need me.
Where do I begin? I do not know. The littlest things are the things I remember most.
Tired. More tomorrow.
Anxious and nervous and concerned. Grandma, we’ll be there soon.
But I’ve missed the road. It’s nice to be out again. #brb #yvr #tw #hkg (at 臺灣桃園國際機場 Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport (TPE))
HKG bound. Decided on Wednesday that I needed to go see her, her being so extremely sick. It may be the last time I’ll see her.
It’s funny when things like this happen and suddenly you’re so caught up about doing the ‘right’ thing. Yet at the same time you just wish you could throw out all that inhibition and just do what you want to do. Just go see her if you want to. If you can afford the time and the money, just go. I remember when Grandpa passed away. My cousin told me that my grandpa called out my name when he was passing. He only called out several of his many grandkids, and I was one of them. This is despite the fact that I only spent perhaps 5 years living in the same city as him growing up. I still remember our special moments when I was a kid; I was always told how extra gentle he was with me, how I was the only grandchild my stern grandpa would actually pick up.
His final words stuck with me forever. I never found closure with that, until I went to visit his grave, finally, in old parts of China. I will always remember that morning.
Now it’s my grandma’s time, inevitable time to go. I am accepting of the imminence of it, and yet I am shaking to my core right now thinking about this trip. I am afraid of what I will see, the revealing of all the terrible truths. I am afraid because I am entering the trenches of emotional tension. I am afraid to see so much vulnerability and helplessness. I may be going back to say goodbye; I may not be. How will I leave my grandmother again?
I’ve also found new meaning in things. While I’ve got lots going on here at home, I realize that all of them are non-issues. They are all negligible. I am replaceable in these positions I have firmly placed myself; while I may be hard to replace but it is really not too hard. I have tied myself down here so firmly that I have allowed those things define me once more. I lose my identity with each release.
I am back to show my love. To let my grandma know that she is an important figure in my life. To let the rest of my family know, my uncle in particular, that I stand in solidarity with them. I want to be with them in this time of sadness.
The good: got news that one of my dearest friends got engaged to her sweetheart. The three of us all met at some conference some many years ago, and here they are, getting ready to move onto another chapter of their lives. I’m not one to get emotional over people’s business, but this news warmed my heart so much. It makes me believe in genuine love. Their love for each other, and the love of our friendship.
The bad: another dear friend who first taught me the depth of friendship is experiencing the same type of wrenching heartbreak I experienced last year. It was illogical and terribly passionate but, alas, brief and painful. Time is the true healer; she knows I know. But I know she’s thinking, until when? Until when will this stop hurting? I wish I could be honest with her…
There is nothing I could do. Other than be by her side. I need encouragement.. But why? The answer is so clear. I just don’t know what she wants though. Does she want me to see her like that?
Decompressed, just in time for a wild ride week. A nourishing weekend of calm, music, and writing. #calligraphy
Green memories. There are some risks we must take, ones that initially makes us feel low and utterly crappy, but ultimately makes us stronger and better. Love yourself and have confidence in your special shimmer; do not get engulfed in the pursuit. Keep your calm ground. #musictherapy #nature